Legolas the Peanut
by C.L. Forest
Summary: There once was a peanut named Legolas... Warning: Crackfic, Read at your own risk


_Title: Legolas the Peanut_  
_Author: C. _  
_Summary: There once was a peanut named Legolas_  
_Disclaimer: I do not own LotR although I do wish I owned Legolas._  
_Warnings: This was a written a few minutes past midnight and wasn't edited at all. It is raw and dangerous. Read at your own risk._

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There once was a peanut named Legolas. He was prince of the peanuts of Greenwood and son of the King Peanut, Thranduil.

Legolas the Peanut liked adventure very much so one day he decided to go bother Elrond the Almond for some adventure he can go on. The Almond exasperatedly gave Legolas a piece of ground pepper and told him to go find a box to contain it.

Legolas the Peanut thought that wasn't really much of an adventure but agreed anyway. He decided to call the ground pepper 'Aragorn' and was very pleased with himself for having come up with such a name.

By morning, Legolas had traveled very far from his Ziploc trail mix packet and was off to find a container for Aragorn the Pepper. Legolas was very happy with the opportunity for another adventure and started to sing,

_I'm off to find a container for a pepper Almond Elrond gave me  
I'm off the find a container wherever that container may be  
Along the way I found that the pepper was actually very nice  
It cannot talk but I did see it nudging a piece of wood twice  
So I eventually decided to name this pepper Aragorn  
And although it may seem like a stupid name—_

Legolas groaned in frustration (if peanuts can groan). What rhymes with Aragorn? Well, there was Popcorn but Legolas hadn't apparently thought of that and had given up with singing. He never liked singing anyway.

As Legolas continued walking (or rolling or skidding or whatever it is that peanuts do to move) he met Gandalf the Green Stalk of Celery. Legolas cried, "Well met, Gandalf the Green! Will you please help me find a container for this pepper?"

Gandalf the Green eyed (can stalks of celery eye? I do not know but he did do something like that) the grayish pepper trailing behind Legolas the Peanut and said, "No but I do know someone that might be able to make one for you."

Legolas broke into a wide smile. "You do? How wonderful! May you lead me to him?"

Gandalf the Green nodded and hopped towards a nearby oven. Gandalf the Green yelled, "Gimli! Legolas the Peanut of Greenwood wishes to speak with you!"

As soon as he had said this a huge chunk of ginger bobbled up to the two. Gimli the Ginger said, "Nay, I shall not fulfill any request of a Peanut."

And Legolas the Peanut felt likewise so he continued on his journey with Aragorn the Pepper tailing behind him. But before he could go far, he heard Gimli the Ginger call after him, "You can find what you seek in the Kitchen of Smaug, the terrible cauliflower!"

Legolas the Peanut felt very excited at this news and went on his journey much faster. Not very long after, they reached the terrible Kitchen of Smaug the Cauliflower.

And rather suddenly a group of beans appeared out of nowhere. These beans called themselves 'Hobbits'. They said they were busy scaring off poor old Pythagoras the Mathematician* but then they realized they left some rulers and a golden ring in Smaug's pot and came back to retrieve it.

It was then that Legolas the Peanut saw Smaug the Cauliflower approach his bean companions. With a swift knock of his forehead, Legolas the Peanut successfully made the cauliflower double over. The Peanut said pridefully, "I am Legolas The Peanut of Greenwood! You shall not hurt these beans or my ground pepper!"

And just as Legolas was about to deliver the final blow and finish off Smaug, the terrible cauliflower quickly devoured them all leaving nothing but one tearful ground pepper on the counter table.

The End.

Pippin had at last set his pen down and smiled to himself. He closed the book and capped his ink bottle and hastily set for Bag End where he knew the Fellowship would be gathering for a get-together. Book tucked under his arm, he happily daydreamed of all the praise he would get after the Fellowship read his story. No doubt they would compliment his eloquence and creativity. With this happy thought in mind he started to skip and hummed to himself.

"I think I should like to have peanuts for my afternoon snack today."

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A/N: I'm not even sorry

* - It is a popular belief that Pythagoras (yes, as in the dude who made the Pythagoras Theorem) had a fear of beans which eventually led to his death. Hobbit beans are after you, Pythagoras! Bwahahahaha...


End file.
